There are a couple reasons why I haven't blogged in so long. First, I was and still am embarrassed about missing deadlines yet again. I kept thinking that any day now I would catch up and release the book(s) that I announced, and it just didn't happen. So much going on in my personal life that robs me of the time and energy and mental capacity to write.
Which leads me to my second point: depression. I can't blog or do anything remotely social when I'm depressed. I'm sure I've talked about it before, but I've been dealing with general and social anxiety for most of my life. Everyday I fight to overcome it, to deal with what life throws at me, to be productive in some manner, but there usually comes a time when I lose that fight. And then, in turn, I'm faced with depression, which robs me of everything.
It's not just about not finding joy in things or not having a passion for writing; it robs me of feeling anything. When I'm sad or angry, I'm still capable of writing, as it's usually pretty therapeutic. I don't mind the "negative" emotions, as it can still ignite a passion to write--sometimes even moreso than when I'm feeling ok.
When depression hits, I'm basically just a hollow shell. I don't feel anything, I don't care about anything, everything seems pointless. I'm totally numb. This usually stems from my anxiety getting so high, that my mind just shuts down, probably as a form of self-preservation. My only saving grace through it all, is that I know it will pass. But I've been noticing a trend lately where it's not passing as quickly as it once did. It could be part of getting older, it could be that there's more stuff that overwhelms me on a daily basis, I'm not sure. Once it does pass, I start feeling anxious and worried about how long it took to pass, and so the vicious cycle begins.
I know this is probably way too much information, and to some, it might sound like I'm making an excuse. To which, all I can say is, I won't be announcing anymore release dates. I think I may have made this claim before, but this time I have to mean it and stick with it. Because not only isn't it fair to you, the readers, who are awaiting the release of my next book(s), it's not fair to me to put added pressure and anxiety on myself.
I love writing and I love sharing my stories, and I never want to get to the point where I resent it. Books are a great escape for authors and readers alike, and I never want that escape pod to feel like a prison cell.
I appreciate your patience and understanding. More books are coming, I promise you. I just can't promise a certain date.
As always, take care of yourself. If you too are suffering from depression, remember that even in the darkest of times, there is always the glimmering light of hope. There is no shame in seeking help. Life is precious...your life is precious.
